My friend Landon died last Wednesday in TPHCM (Ho Chi Minh City) by suicide. He was 28.
It’s hard to really describe how I feel. Like most people, I’ve read about suicides in the news, and what’s normal for friends and family is to say that they’re in a state of shock over what happened.
Now that it’s close to me, I am shocked. I am bewildered. There is something in my mind that just refuses to believe it. This is something you read about in the news or see in movies, to know that someone you knew was having such a difficult time in life, that death was the only option, for me, perhaps I have a certain immaturity that I just can’t grasp my mind around it. A friend told me he had been diagnosed with clinical depression, but it frustrates me just to imagine how difficult things must have been for him. What I fear the most, and think about almost every day, is something that was his only resort.
I had known Landon for a little over two and a half years- he was one of the first people I met upon my return to Vietnam, and he was the one who made the introduction to my current work place. I was certainly not a close friend, but I did consider him a friend.
He was, almost literally, fun. So outgoing, so social, yet such a good guy in the sense that when you talked to him you could tell he was listening, he was interested, even if you’re someone like me. There was always a depth to him as well, however, a seriousness about him that let you know he was serious about the world, he knew what it was. He was incredibly talented, he was someone on the path of a superstar; if you learned about his background, you couldn’t help but be impressed by all his accomplishments: superb athlete, incredible student, doing well in his career in Vietnam, you had no doubt that his prospects in life were bright. He’s one of those guys who intimidate you, someone you can’t help but feel inadequate to in comparison, yet he’s the one to reach out to you to welcome you in.
The last time I talked to him was last November, right around his birthday. I saw him in May when I went to see Star Trek, but didn’t say hi because of the crowd. He was just a couple of weeks older than me and his death strikes me with fear as I think if the world was too much for him to handle, for one so young, do I really have a chance over the long run? It seems so…ridiculous or just unfair, for lack of a better word, to me that there are conditions in life that can’t be stopped, cannot be overcome for many people and end in such sadness.
Landon, I do not know where you are now, but I hope that you have found the internal peace you deserve.
You were a friend.
I will remember you.
R.I.P. I lost a few friends from suicide. It definitely hits you when you realize your the same age and there really wasn’t any signs of him/her wanting to end their lives.
Definitely sorry to hear you’ve experienced it too. It’s something I hopefully will never have to see again nor have similar thoughts of my own.
Sorry about your loss. Landon sounded like a stand-up guy. But I guess it just goes to show you never know the depths of people’s problems sometimes.
Landon Carter Schmitt Memorial Fund https://www.gcsfoundation.org/landon.asp