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Johnny Tri Nguyen (above) is the number one movie star in Vietnam. Is that saying much?

Ah, maybe not. But he has been in two of the more notable local-Vietnamese productions, Nu Hon Than Chet (Death’s Kiss) in 2008, and The Rebel in 2006. NHTC broke all the local box office records here, even running a successful viral marketing campaign on Cyworld.

You might say Johnny is the Vietnam equivalent of Thailand’s Tony Jaa, the movie star best known for his breakthrough role in Ong Bak. Both Johnny and Tony are action specialists, and Johnny used to compete on the US Wushu team. But just as with most Thailand to Vietnam comparisons (football team, economy, travel, lady boys), Thailand wins. At least in action.

I recently saw Ong Bak 2, which is completely unrelated to Ong Bak aside from name, but does a good job of showing Jaa at his best, his frenetic action pace without any pretense that we need to care about the plot. I gave it a 7/10 on IMDB, and then noticed that both of Thailand and Vietnam’s best had faced off in Tom Yum Goong (translated as The Protector), released in 2005.

It’s gotten solid reviews on IMDB, averaging a 6.9 after more than 13,000 votes. Sounds good right?

Wrong.

This is an atrocious movie. Of the nearly 450 movies I have rated on IMDB, I gave this my worst rating ever, a 2/10. Awkwardly ridiculous with silly fight scenes, confusing itself between comedy, action movie, and tearjerker. Worst of all, it runs at nearly 2 hrs. Ong Bak 2, despite all its faults, focuses on the fighting, and stops at 1:30. Much more watchable, more more reasonable. Tom Yum Goong, on the other hand, was so bad even from the start that I had to start writing notes to remember this full retard.

Tom Yum Goong, My Movie Commentary Track:

(as live blogged while watching, chronological order from the start of the movie)

There’s a joke in this movie where a random passer by says something like, “You got a pirated movie movie? Don’t ever do that again!”. I wonder if somehow I got an intentionally bad pirated version of the movie, and there’s actually a much better version out there for legit owners. Unfortunately, even if there is, unlikely I can buy it.

Starting:

• First 30 minutes:
  • OK, got it. Tony Jaa loves his elephant.
  • WTF is going on here? (movie introduces random character)
  • WTF is going on here now? (another random character)
  • WTF IS GOING ON HERE? Who is he? Who is she? (MORE random characters)
• Ok more Tony Jaa. When is this guy going to actually do a non-totally fake seeming fight?
• Define “Fake Fight”: you know, like when people somehow hit each other from five feet away. The kind of punches you see on Saturday Night Live, where the camera angles hide the fake action, and they add the oomph sound created by hitting watermelons.
• Johnny Tri Nguyen’s character is named Johnny. I guess acting only goes so far.
• An X-Games street gang is now after Tony Jaa; a gang with football jerseys, dirt bikes, BMX bikes, and ATVs. Hai ya, my ATV shall chop you!
• The movie sets for the fighting scenes and situations seem obviously made for only Tony Jaa to use and escape from harm. Like these guys want to lose.
• This movie isn’t purposely bad?
• This is an action movie?
• Johnny is as good an actor in English as he is in Vietnamese. FAIL.
• His English sounds as good as his Vietnamese does. FAIL. (I’ve watched most of The Rebel as well)
• Johnny speaks Vietnamese to his gang, who laugh with him. His gang is partly white.
• Johnny Tri is not as good looking as some in VN claim him to be.
• Tony has become the One. By wearing a bell around his wrist. He seems to change from being absolute crap, like Neo pre-Matrix, and the becoming The One. It’s a cycle he repeats over and over. He just needs motivation, apparently.
• Tony Jaa is the Monica Seles of fighting- creating your own sound effects when doing anything. Ya! Uh! Hai ya!
• Note to self. When attacking someone from behind with a butcher knife, do not karate-yell right before you unleash the attack, notifying the other person that you are behind him.
• I’m hungry. It’s 2AM. There’s still 30 minutes in this movie left?
• Why can’t anyone in this movie speak English? Even the English speakers can’t speak English!
• Watching this movie makes me think I can handle watching Street Fighter, the Legend of Chun Li

• Prachya Pinkaew- the director of this movie also directed Ong Bak? And Ong Bak was before this? I don’t think he got the performances he was hoping for, either out of himself or Tony or Johnny.
• This is a temple that is on fire. At the same time it is flooded. At the same time, it is completely on fire?

I should write a post on FMyLife that I had to watch this movie. People on IMDB claim that the longer director’s cut is much better than the apparent US version I watched in terms of a fleshed out storyline. But those fans also thought the action was great, while I thought the action was sluggish and predictable. Poeple walk into Tony Jaa so they can be beaten up, it doesn’t seem like fighting. There’s a huge difference between the Ong Bak movies and Tom Yum Goong.

My rating: 2/10.

But here’s the trailer:

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